My feet hurt. My heart aches. My hands are cracked. My brain is in a fog. My eyes are dry. My ears are sore. I'm tired. We're tired. It's just the beginning. I'm back in the ICU. I'm pulled from training in the OR. It's okay though. These patients need me. The floor needs me. We need each other. We go into rooms together with our double PPE. 2 gowns, 2 pairs of gloves, scrub hat, hair net, N95, surgical mask over that, glasses, face shield. We knock on doors from inside the room if we forgot something. We leave notes on the doors to communicate with each other. We are fighting. But our patients are losing. Patients are dying. Every day. Multiple patients die a day. Alone. They are dying alone. I catch myself holding back tears several times during my shift. I find myself feeling hopeless, knowing my patient's prognosis is grim. I'm scared. What if I get sick. "Shocking - healthy 28 year old dies". What if I get someone else sick? Will I make it through this? Will my family and friends be okay after this? 

If you know someone on the front lines, please check in on them. Most likely they are not okay. They want to know it's going to be okay one day. That you are proud of them for being selfless and walking towards the fight instead of away from it. They want to know it's okay to cry. And feel small. And to have no hope at all. But that together we will pull through. And one day this will all be a story we will tell our children and grandchildren. How it changed our lives. How we were never the same after it. How we fought against a pandemic. 

Please be safe everyone and we’ll be together soon ❤️ 

Samantha Cauley 
OR RN redeployed to CCU